My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
