thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I'm lost and stupid without you.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
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