Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
