I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
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