Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
