Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Randomize