I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
