On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
