We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
