I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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