It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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