i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Randomize
