just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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