if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
even my farts smell like vagina
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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