Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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