we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
