I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
