smell my finger.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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