we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
