Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
