i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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