I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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