I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
