i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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