I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
Why is your signature on my underwear?
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
