Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
