I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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