you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
