nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
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