The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I wanna passion pit in your ass
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
He did a backflip because drugs
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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