Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
