i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
