My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
