I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
