Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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