drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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