once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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