What a fucking waste of an outfit
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I just found puke in my bra..
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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