Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
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