I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Dignity is for republicans.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
