That's when you crack a 10am beer
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I want a musical about memes.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
