The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
