i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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