dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Randomize
