no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
