Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Randomize
