1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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