I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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