she was so not down for the gang bang
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
