never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
