Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
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