New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
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