Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Randomize
