you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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