Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
All the doctor said was why
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
