I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Randomize
