he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
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