Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
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